Can you fail too many times? Does your world, that existance which belongs soley to you and includes every actin thought and breathe, does it reach a point where the chance of change withers and disapears? Can you really want something so bad that the "whole world will conspire to create it for you" as Madonna once said?
I know what i want. I know how to get it. I know what to avoid, how to distract, to reward and moderate and go slow. BUt i'm yet to make it even part the way. I've failed many many times, small failures to huge failures like the last 48 hours. Have i killed my soul and willpower through this continual cycle without satisfaction? I know i'm hurting those close to me. I know im obsessed and wasting precious moments of my youth. I've had this disease for 5 years, when will my pain be over? It's a neccessity, will it ever truly cease to haunt me? Will i get that which i disire. Will it be too late.
I'm lonely. Sad, hurt, angry, confused. Who isnt? I despise myself. Just like anybody else. I'm 18, i have so much going for me. Possibilities. Yet i fuck up each and every day of this existance in the same way. I want a break. Answers. Help. Friends.
